I’m Elizabeth. I have a lot to say. Most of the time, too much. This is mainly a creative outlet for me, but I do hope I can share some life lessons, some funny moments, some not so funny moments, some meal prep stuff, some animal and kid stuff. Just stuff. I’m hoping I can share stuff, and it will not be as scary as I think it could be.
A number of years ago, a very good friend asked me how I functioned. She was asking this based on the multiple ways in which I tend to not do many things, and the ways in which I do things in an unconventional way. It hurt my feelings at the time. Looking back, it was a pretty harsh thing for my friend to ask, but it was also warranted. I have somehow gotten by doing things my own way, which isn’t always the best way.
I wrote a blog from 2004 – 2012 pretty regularly. Then, in 2012, I gave it up. Not consciously. I gave it up in the same way I would give up other things I loved beginning that year – the year I got married. I’ve always known I would take it up again, but put it off over and over. Particularly in the last two years. I have spent two years talking about starting a blog, writing blog posts in my head, sometimes typing them up in a Word doc, sometimes just writing in my journal. Why is so hard to just start!? Start. Begin. Just do it.
I’ve had a lot of good stuff I could have been writing about over those two years – that’s when my husband said he wasn’t happy and he loved me, but wasn’t in love with me. He moved in with his sister and has been there ever since. It was out of the blue. He never once said he was unhappy in our seven years of marriage or in our 11 years of being together. In fact, it was me that threatened to leave. Too often. It was my protest behavior – one of the many things I’ve learned about myself in the last couple of years.
I will never be able to remember all the good and bad and funny and sad things that have happened in the two years I’ve been procrastinating to start this. I’ll never be able to remember all the good lessons, the hard lessons. The good thing is it’s not over. My life is not over – that’s a good thing. My marriage is over, but not over – that’s a good thing for blog content. My life long learning is far from over – I wish it was, but again – content.
Somehow, I have functioned my entire life, pretty well, regardless of what said friend thought or thinks. Somehow, I think I’m functioning better today than I ever have. Maybe I just don’t always do it in the best or smartest or most efficient or whatever you want to call it way.
I drove to South Padre Island, TX today for three nights and days alone. I’ve been here four times this year, but this is the first time I’ve come by myself. Actually, it’s the first time I’ve ever gone on a getaway alone. I left my three cats, two dogs, my home, and my almost 6-year old boy with my husband (still not divorced or even legally separated) and headed here. Sounded like a good idea. The drive down was great. I was so excited. Got here, checked into the hotel, which is different than the first three times I stayed, and hated it. I was gripped by emotion. Panic. Anxiety. Disgust at the hotel. Disappointment in the hotel. Why had I booked it?? Oh, yeah, because my estranged husband was paying for it, and I didn’t want to ask for more money to get a better hotel.
I realized it wasn’t the hotel (well, it was a little bit the hotel). It was my usual dysfunction kicking in. Not being able to really be alone with myself. Worried about things at home. Not able to enjoy myself. Scared to be alone. Not able to start conflict by asking to have my money refunded so I could stay somewhere else. What would people think of me all alone? Why hadn’t I worn my wedding ring so I didn’t look too pathetic? This is me when I’m not functioning. When I feel incapable of functioning. I couldn’t even ask my sister to call the front desk, pretend to be me, and ask about checking out early and getting a refund – AND, SHE OFFERED!
What do I do when I can’t function? Sometimes I crawl up in a ball and cry. That has happened a lot. Not so much since I had my second child. Sometimes I say screw it and just let myself be consumed by TV or social media. Today, I grabbed my camera and headed out to the beach. I needed a walk to get out all the excess energy and negative stuff (something I’ve learned in the last couple of years). And, it worked. I still haven’t asked to check out early and get a refund so I can stay somewhere else. But, I feel better.
I saw the beautiful beach sunset that keeps me coming back here. It was actually very chilly, but it felt amazing. It’s my first winter at the beach! I checked out the hotel a little bit to familiarize myself – because I’ve also learned I don’t deal well with any change or new environments. Took some pictures. Took a couple of selfies. Hated on myself for a bit. Then headed back to my room where I finally sat down to start the thing I used to love and gave up for love and have procrastinated on for too long. And, hey, all this dysfunction and sucking at life came in handy when I really needed to name this thing and give a title to the very first post.
I was going to head out to dinner, but instead made myself a plate of food I brought with me – a little chicken salad, grapes, crackers, cheese, and some Chardonnay. Really, I think I’ve set myself up for a totally functioning, relaxing, feel good evening. I do function. It’s just functioning in my particular way.